...hurry up and get here!

It's not because I'm a spectacular person who's un-break-up-able with. No. Sometimes I can be quite an unbearable handful. The thing is, I get bored easily enough and then feel like I need to move on. My tolerance is about 2 years for relationships, so it doesn't seem like I'm a commitment-phobe. But I am.

Every time "the talk" has happened, it's always been excruciating for me because I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's gotten to this point because I didn't want to work things out (I really need to work on my communication skills and commitment level) and I have to do it because staying in the relationship will hurt me more than yanking off the bandaid, so to speak.

I've never been broken up with.

But today, I understood what it was like on the other side.

As someone who walks away from the relationship, it's much easier to see things cut-and-dry: we can't be together anymore, so we're breaking up. End of story.

On the other side? On the other side you're wondering, Why would the one person that I trust in more than anyone else in the world hurt me like this?

And there's no answer for that.

I'm sorry.

I'm not a concept, Joel. I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my peace of mind. I'm not perfect.

1. People love taking out their insecurities on you. When you get punched in the face after telling your friend that you're in love with his girlfriend's little sister, don't be pissed. He's not mad at you; he's just using the opportunity to express his disappointment in himself for botching a simple operation, thus killing a man's pregnant wife. D'oh!
2. People's upbringing can really shape how they handle problems. People's life-experiences can also really shape how they handle problems. But the good thing about people is that they're adaptable beings. Be adaptable.
   
3. No matter how many people you kill on the operating table, you still have to get back in there. Because we learn from our mistakes and we have to keep on moving.
   
4. Don't put off living your life. You only have this moment, right here.

I take a few shots and they turned out well enough. Then before moving on to the next portrait, I just grabbed all my stuff. And left...!

While in the car, I thought, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? So I pulled over and tried to call the mom to tell her that we need to reschedule.

What a logistical nightmare! Or, rather, what a nightmare period.

And finally … how to fall in love

• Find a complete stranger.

• Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.

• Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.

I finally looked closely in his eyes. He's got these beautiful slate, gray blue eyes with golden specks. Am I melting yet?

Allow me to gush like the little "lovestruck" girl that I am for a minute.

We had the company lunch/BBQ today. Things pretty much sucked and the food was OK at best. But I got to sit next to Jay and M and the group joked around. M's wife called him on his cell and he told her about the BBQ. After the usual spiel from the CEO to work harder, faster, and efficiently without wasting any company money, we cut the cake in celebration of September babies. I saw M's wife talking to Jay and others and thought that was my in. (I wasn't 100% sure it was M's wife at the time. She's stunning!) I walked over to Jay and tapped him on his elbow to wave him to one side.

We were sitting very close next to one another at the fountain. (Am I insane to write a letter to the US government to petition for that locale to be declared "sacred ground" here on out?) He is just oozingly cute with his boyish charm. Up close, I saw the little chocolate cake residue on the far right corner of his soft, pink lips. I did everything I could to resist from looking, staring. When he spoke, I just wanted to sit and listen - no matter how irrelevant the topic.

Things could only get better if only he would come talk to me of his own volition more often. I know this would never happen. The man can't date because his girlfriend, wife, and mistress is his job. He is one hardcore, gung ho, motivated fellow. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I make plans and stick to them, but money's never been so important to me that I would dedicate all my time to the pursuit of it. We're complete opposites when it comes to our goals in life. I wish I could show him that taking things in moderation is a good thing, and he can show me how to get off my lazy, passive ass every now and then. It'd be a winning combo.

I noticed a torn up plastic bag flying around at the BBQ. It no longer had the bag shape and looked like just a long string with varying widths. When I looked over at him as the CEO droned on, I saw that he was looking at it, too. I blame this on Sam Raimi. Every time I see something floating around, I'll think, "What an American Beauty moment!" (Unless it's a feather, in which case, "How Forrest Gump!" and I start humming the theme.)

That's what it was today. Beauty. Beauty i sitting next to a man I like. Beauty in looking closely into his eyes. Beauty in the simple touches that social graces deem odd and strangely intimate. It was just beautiful.

I just hope no one gets shot in my story.

Do you ever feel like one event or one thing can define you in your entirety? I never felt that, and I guess, the bottom line is that I still don't. But sometimes something can happen that can so dramatically change your life that you can't help but wonder if things will ever be "normal" again - whatever that means.

/end abstraction/