1. It's OK to feel overwhelmed by completely trivial matters (e.g., your evil bitchy sorority sister stole your parking spot!). So long as you recognize that it is a truly stupidly trivial matter.
2. Bros before hos, or, sister before the mister. Take your pick.
3. Don't make huge life decisions because of a love interest (e.g., turn down grad school at friggin' Cal Tech so you can continue dating the girl you've been seeing for a month, you stupid Max Tyler! side-note: I love the actor who plays that character - hottie!!!). You'll undoubtedly live to regret that decision about 10 minutes after you get dumped. It. Is. Inevitable.
4. Don't get mad, get even. Unless you've been at it for a while in which case, best to stop getting even because you know that bitch is just gonna scheme to get you back.
   
5. You can't be friends with your ex if you still have feelings for them.
6. Always eat the brownie, but don't drink the shampoo.

For now.